The Road to Mental Wellness - Domestic Violence

TRIGGER WARNING: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Domestic abuse (sometimes called ‘domestic violence’ or ‘intimate partner violence’) is an incident or a pattern of behavior that is used by someone to control or obtain power over their partner or ex-partner. It is never the fault of the person who is experiencing it, and it is a crime.

A common myth is that it’s only domestic abuse if it involves physical or sexual violence. In fact, many women experience domestic abuse without ever being physically harmed. Remember: non-physical forms of abuse can be as destructive and as undermining as physical violence.

Domestic abuse could involve…

• Emotional abuse, including gaslighting
• Coercive control
• Physical abuse
• Tech abuse
• Economic abuse
• Sexual abuse

Domestic abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of age, background, gender identity, sex, religion, sexual orientation or ethnicity. However, statistics show most domestic abuse is carried out by men and experienced by women. Across England and Wales, 1 in 4 women will experience abuse in their lifetime and on average, one woman is killed by an abusive partner or ex every five days.

Does your partner…

• Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?
• Put down your accomplishments?
• Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?
• Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?
• Tell you that you are nothing without them?
• Treat you roughly—grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?
• Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?
• Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?
• Blame you for how they feel or act?
• Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?
• Make you feel like there is “no way out” of the relationship?
• Prevent you from doing things you want – like spending time with friends or family?
• Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to “teach you a lesson”?

Do you…

• Sometimes feel scared of how your partner may behave?
• Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?
• Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?
• Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
• Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
• Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

If any of these things are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without help, the abuse will continue. Making that first call to seek help is a courageous step. Always remember… NO ONE deserves to be abused. The abuse is not your fault. You are not alone.

Physical and sexual assaults, or threats to commit them, are the most apparent forms of domestic abuse and violence and are usually the actions that allow others to become aware of the problem. However, regular use of other abusive behaviors by the abuser, when reinforced by one or more acts of physical violence, make up a larger system of abuse. Although physical assaults may occur only once or occasionally, they instill the fear of future violent attacks and allow the abuser to take control of the victim’s life and circumstances. Although there are several types of abuse I want to mention the 3 most common ones. Emotional, sexual and physical.

Emotional abuse includes undermining a person’s sense of self-worth through constant criticism; belittling one’s abilities; name-calling or other verbal abuse; damaging a partner’s relationship with the children; or not letting a partner see friends and family.

Sexual abuse: involves forcing a partner to take part in a sex act when the partner does not consent.

Physical abuse: involves hurting or trying to hurt a partner by hitting, kicking, burning, grabbing, pinching, shoving, slapping, hair-pulling, biting, denying medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use, or using other physical force.  

No one should feel unsafe. If you are in an unsafe, violent relationship, you might be thinking of leaving. You do not have to leave today or do it all at once. But a safety plan can help you know what to do when you are ready to leave. Having a plan in place can help you get out safely later if you do decide to leave. Leaving an abusive relationship can seem overwhelming. Women often leave several times before finally deciding to end the relationship. There are many complicated reasons why it is difficult to leave an abusive partner. You may have doubts or fears or just feel overwhelmed at the thought of leaving. That’s normal. Even if you don’t leave right away, creating a safety plan  can help you know what to do if your partner abuses you again. It can help you be more independent when you leave. As always, if you or someone you love feels suicidal or that they are in a crisis there is the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 for confidential, free, 24/7/365 help. You can also chat at 988lifeline.org. Another resource is the Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741.  Until next week, I’m Desert Rose signing off and wishing you all good mental health.

Domestic violence help:

Call 800-799-7233

Text BEGIN to 88788

The hotline.org