…than gettin’ ugly.” That’s what the Boy’s mother used to say. I know there are a lot of folks in Jackson County, particularly on our end, who remember Mable Sparks. Unfortunately, I never got the chance to meet her, but I feel like I know her pretty well anyway. On that particular quote, I cannot disagree with her, the older I get.
Now, I don’t consider myself particularly ugly, even if the blush, as they say, is somewhat off the rose. On the other score, however, these days find me facing a medical journey that, while it is not only the journey of the old, is most often experienced as we grow more long in the tooth. I’ve mentioned the mysterious lump in my left forearm. The initial trip to the oncologist yielded no answers except that he is not willing to rule out cancer based on my MRI. So, tests are upcoming. If it is cancer, it is most likely a sarcoma so I am scheduled for a CT scan of my lungs next week and a biopsy the following week. As he explained, if it is a sarcoma and has spread, it is most likely the lungs that will be targeted first, thus the lung scan. After those tests, I will have another consultation with the oncologist, where I will learn the results and know in which direction the rest of the journey will turn. If it is not cancer, I assume it will simply be removed, and after a bit of healing, all will return to normal. If it is…..well, that’s a journey to be discussed another day.
At this point, I’m not particularly worried. That may seem odd, but there is still too much unknown for me to put on my worry cap. There are still plenty of things that it could be other than a sarcoma, so I will reserve my worry to the best of my ability until I have more answers than are currently available to me. It’s actually the waiting that drives me batty. I don’t wait well, never have, so I will have to find plenty of things to fill my days so that I don’t live too much in my head. Those who have faced this and similar journeys know what I mean by “too much in my head.” The mind, by nature, likes to practice scenarios and try to prepare for possible outcomes, and this, if not kept in check, can severely distract one from the present. The present is certainly something I don’t want to miss while trying to prepare for a possible future over which I have very little actual control. The lump is what the lump is, no matter how much I dwell on what it may or may not be. Time and tests will reveal its nature, so I must practice patience and keep my head where my body is so that I don’t miss a moment of the time in which I now live. There is joy here, and love, and beauty, and peace, and I do not wish to trade my awareness of them by living in days that are not yet here, and that cannot, at this point, be predicted.
I know I say all that as though it were just a choice one makes and then is no more bothered by the thought of future shadows. That’s not true, of course. It is a choice that one must make every day and sometimes multiple times a day. It is often difficult to wrest control of one's own mind back from itself. But, I am stubborn and am determined to continue to own my days as they come and live them as they come. The future will take care of itself.
We all know that our days to walk upon this earth are finite. We all know that there will be a day when we are here no more. Mable knew it. You know it, and I know it. But I can choose how much life there will be in my days, even if we can’t choose how many days there will be in my life. I know that’s a bit of a cliché, but there’s a lot of truth to it. I suppose that’s how things become clichés in the first place.
This time of year is always medicine for me. It may not cure whatever ails me, but it goes a long way toward reminding me that there is life in abundance and that renewal is the rule, not the exception. I will keep a good thought in my heart and in my mind, not only for myself but for the others out there who are facing journeys of their own. We must open our hearts to the day in which we live and give thanks for all good things within that day. There’s another old cliché that I always liked and that seems applicable here: “Today is a gift. That’s why they call it the present.”
Be well. Be kind. Check on your neighbors and, by all means, love one another.
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